How to say no to what people like

Saying “yes” can feel good for both the speaker and the listener, but being someone who is always “happy to help” can quickly lead to burnout and overwhelm. Saying yes too often can leave little time for self-care and can ultimately reduce your productivity and the quality of your contributions, leaving everyone unsatisfied.

Researchers present boundary setting as “a shield against exploitation” in which “‘yes’ becomes a commodity.”¹ While being happy to help may seem like an altruistic thing, it can also be helpful to pass on the opportunity to contribute to someone else who might benefit from the task, thereby creating more equity.

Podcast co-host, author, and actress Amy Wilson knows how empowering saying no can be after identifying as a people-pleaser since childhood. In his book, Happy to helpshe humorously explores her journey as a person in recovery and what she learned along the way.

Wilson shared with me his ideas on how to please people.

Are women specifically conditioned to be people pleasers? “Put others first” and “make it seem like you have it all figured out” are messages we often receive from society. What impact does this have particularly on women?

Amy Wilson: Women receive these kinds of messages from society all the time – and as I explain in the book, we tend to receive these messages back when we ask for help. It’s when we finally admit that we’re struggling that we’re most likely to encounter a platitude urging us to change our mindset, to acquire a sense of humor, to stop making things harder than they are. should be, to stop being so rigid. or perfectionist.

The fact is that these messages are generally not useful – or even applicable – to the real-life situations we struggle with. If I have a sick child and a sick parent at the same time, I’m not a workaholic. I’m just overwhelmed. And when women ask for help and receive answers in response, and when it seems like no one around us is willing to do more, we can feel like we have no choice but to continue to manage everything ourselves.

Why do you think it’s so hard for women to say no?

AW: We’re not supposed to say “no.” In my own life, I grew up as the eldest in a large family, which meant changing diapers and babysitting for free while I was still in elementary school. Honestly, I loved helping and prided myself on being good at it, but nonetheless it was a daily version of the message most women receive from a young age: we are supposed to be helpful whenever possible, we are supposed to be nice. while we’re helping, and we’re not supposed to make a big deal out of it.

The basic definition of people-pleasing is putting the wants and needs of others ahead of your own. I mean, what parent hasn’t done that? What mother has not integrated this into her self-perception? Isn’t that the mission?

And for women who don’t have children, society still expects us to be the gatekeepers of any group, meeting, or board, and to swallow any resentment we might feel toward those expectations .

Saying “no” or “I choose not to” disrupts a structure that we have all been taught from a young age. This structure is not imaginary and does not exist only in the minds of women.

How did you learn to break free from people-pleasing habits? What was the turning point in your story?

AW: “Freeing yourself” is not a one-size-fits-all solution. It is a conditioning that we must undo again and again, and not just in ourselves.

The essays in the book chart a course in which I slowly improve in my knowledge of myself. But even in the final pages of the book, I find myself in a situation where I am being asked to take on something that goes absolutely beyond what anyone should be asked of. And in this situation, when I finally speak up, when I say “please don’t ask me to do this”, it happens again: I am told that I am wrong. I can do it! All I have to do is “believe in myself”.

Now I needed to “believe in myself” in the sense of taking care of the person I was, and finally set the boundaries I needed, but in this case, “believing in myself” was a invitation to exceed my expectations. the same manners I always had before.

So I had to say “no” again. And again. These habits are not just ours. We must first change the way we react; we must then hold on as long as it takes for the conditioned responses of others to change.

What are three things you’ve learned along the way that readers can do today to practice setting healthier boundaries?

AW: 1. Reject the idea that you need to fix yourself first. Again, the word “healthier” can stigmatize the overwhelmed person. What if that person wasn’t “in poor health” for doing more than their share? What if it was the situation that was unhealthy? If that’s true, fine, fix the situation, but do so without first beating yourself up for being someone who has more on their plate than you can reasonably handle.

2. Saying “no” is just the first step. If you’ve traditionally shouldered more than your share, people will keep asking you to continue doing just that. Saying “no” is just the first step in a long dance of renegotiation with partners who may be completely confused or dissuaded from responding. Saying “no” isn’t as uncomfortable as the silence that may follow.

3. Don’t give up too quickly. When I asked for more help from people around me and didn’t immediately receive exactly what I was hoping for, I thought that meant there was no point in trying to do the things differently. But all I had to do was stay the course and deal with the uncertainty that comes when you ask for change. No one knows exactly what will happen next. That doesn’t mean there won’t be changes. This doesn’t mean it won’t ever be possible to get what you need.

What do you hope readers will take away from time spent with your book, Happy to help?

AW: When we go through difficult times in life, they are difficult because they are difficult, not because there is something wrong with us. They are difficult because they are real, not because we make things harder on purpose.

And that even for the happiest caregivers, there are some things that can never be fixed, but when there is something that needs to be fixed, it can be something other than yourself.