I did 4B way before it was cool – “No marriage, no kids, no men, no drama”

Tima Miroshnichenko | Pixels

The only difference is that now the choice has a name and women no longer have to hide their intention behind it. That’s because we stopped treating being deliberately single as first-degree murder. Now we treat it as nothing more than a lifestyle choice.

Since Roe v. Wade was overturned and Trump was elected, women have also been doing it to regain control of their bodies and lives. What began as an act of rebellion on the fringes of a highly misogynistic, conservative and violent South Korean society is now beginning to take shape around the world.

“Growing interest in the 4B movement in the United States appears to be driven, as has been the case in South Korea, by “the desire for bodily autonomy.” In South Korea at the time, abortion was banned – the country’s Constitutional Court overturned the ban in 2019. (…) An abortion rights group, B-wave, argued: “If we do not have the right to abortion, we will not engage in activities that could lead to pregnancy. — Al Jazeera

It makes perfect sense that if some of your actions could have unfortunate consequences, you should stop doing them. I remember when I quit smoking. It was 2020 and society was stuck indoors due to COVID.

This gave me a wonderful and much-anticipated opportunity to quit, as I no longer had the social interactions that usually caused me to put a death stick in my mouth and blow cancer-infused smoke into my lungs.

Social isolation made it easy for me to quit. And once I did, I had a huge realization: “This whole smoking thing was completely unnecessary! »

Since then, I haven’t even dreamed of putting a cigarette in my mouth simply because it didn’t do me any good. The same thing happened to me with men. The only difference is that I wasn’t trying to abandon men. I didn’t intend to live a single life and I didn’t view men as dangerous.

Quite the contrary. The last time I got out of a relationship, I was looking for the next one, even though the previous one had been quite unhealthy and exhausting.

But I didn’t think for a second that it was because of men as a whole, but rather because I had chosen the wrong man at that time. It turns out I didn’t fall in love with anyone for a while; I think it must have been more than a year, and unless there is love, I’m not interested in a relationship just for the sake of it.

By the end of that year, I realized that this whole relationship with men had been for naught.

Zen Chung | Pixels

This year has given me time to heal from my past broken relationships and live my life on my own. And what I discovered was that the absence of men and love interests brought me incredible peace. There was no drama. No tension. No sleepless nights.

I could focus on myself, my life, my job, my cats, my house, and my wants and needs, rather than focusing on someone else’s. My life has blossomed. I felt happier and more at peace than ever. It was just good. And today, almost 10 years later, that’s still the case.

However, I see how much easier 4B is for me than for other women. I never wanted to have kids, so that part of the equation was never an issue. Getting married wasn’t a priority for me either unless I found the perfect man, and I didn’t.

Dating is an excruciating ordeal that I never wanted to be a part of, which is why I always chose my boyfriends from within my friend group. This way I got to know them well without going through the whole dating process. And the sex part… actually, once you’ve been sober for a while, you don’t care anymore.

I never thought I’d say this about myself, because I’ve always been one of those women who can’t get enough, but here we are. I didn’t care anymore.

In one study out of more than 50,000 people, 95% of heterosexual men reported usually or always having an orgasm during intimate intercourse, while only 65% of heterosexual women reported the same. — The conversation

If I take care of myself without men, my chance of having an orgasm is 100%. Every time. As I said, once you emerge from the “sausage fog” (a term I heard once in a sitcom and which stuck with me because of its surprisingly funny accuracy), things are clear and peaceful .

I’m not doing 4B as a rebel movement and I’m certainly not against men.

Rodolfo Quiros | Pixels

I live in Europe and we (still) have the right to abortion. My country is incredibly safe compared to others and to tell you the truth, I have never been afraid of rape or violence from men.

I’m not attracted to angry, violent, physically abusive men, and so far they aren’t interested in me either. I guess it’s because I see through their alpha facade and laugh at how ridiculous it is. It keeps them away from me.

My 4B is not against men. But it is for me, and so far it has proven to be a great choice for me. I don’t plan on continuing this activity for the rest of my life, but I also don’t plan on stopping it anytime soon. I’ve reached the point where a potential partner would have to bring a lot of value to my life while not disturbing my peace for me to consider a relationship with them.

In the meantime, 4B works wonderfully. It’s not for everyone. But it is aimed at a greater number of women who have never dared to try it. If my beautiful great-grandmother did it during the Famine, Depression and World War, it’s obviously not an impossible task. It’s nothing more than a preference.

Mona Lazar is an unapologetic writer, unconventional relationship coach, and crazy dreamer with words published in Better Humans, Medium, Illumination, The Soulciety, Newsbreak, The Startup, Hello, Love, The Good Men Project, Curious, and others.