5 Things People in Good Relationships Do to Break Their Worst Patterns

“He’s cheating on me,” Liza said before she had a chance to take off her coat and sit across from me in my therapy room. For the fourth time in as many weeks, Liza (not her real name) launched into the body of evidence supporting her boyfriend’s unreliability. It was clear that she needed to take control and break this pattern.

Because I had worked with Liza for over a year, I knew that, more often than not, she didn’t trust the people or situations in her life, and I knew that if we were going to make progress, we would. I have to resist listing all the suspicious details about this current boyfriend. Instead, we needed to turn our attention inward to examine Liza’s role in this recurring dynamic.

For anyone dealing with unhealthy relationship relationships, this type of review can be helpful.

Here are 5 things happy people do to break miserable relationship patterns

1. They recognize their role

Are you the keeper? The skeptic? The one who feels perpetually disappointed? Identifying your usual position is essential.

Recognizing that you might be one of the main driving forces in creating patterns of unhealthy, long-lasting relationships can be especially difficult. But identifying your role – and how you invite others to play opposite you – is often the first step to breaking these cycles.

2. They trace it

Ask yourself these questions about why you developed this model or started playing this role:

Where did I first learn to play this role?
Who taught it to me?
What were the circumstances?

3. They weigh the compromises

Studio Prostock via Shutterstock

Every role has its benefits, otherwise you wouldn’t continue playing it. Ask yourself these questions:

What has this role protected you from?
What did it cost you?
Do the costs now outweigh the benefits?

4. They go off-script

What happens when you resist the urge to play your usual role?

5. They express their “mind readings”

Instead of pretending your suspicions are facts, voice them. Try saying, “I feel like you’re cheating on me.” Is this true, yes or no? Framing the question as mind reading means you recognize your role in creating a story.

After all, you know you can’t read minds (you know that, right?). Outlining the mindreading in the form of a yes or no question allows the other person to answer unambiguously and without creating their own story. If they say no to your mind reading, notice if you believe them. If they say yes, you may not like the answer, but at least you are now truly together.

Breaking out of learned roles and relationship patterns can be uncomfortable, sometimes demoralizing work. But as Liza begins to learn, it’s also the only way to create the type of relationship where trust seems possible.

Brian Spitulnik, LMSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice and co-founder of Artists Reimagining Therapy & Systems (ARTS), providing group and individual therapy to artists and arts workers. Previously, Brian performed on Broadway for over 15 years, wrote for Global Citizen, The Daily Beast, McSweeney’s and Dance Magazine, and co-founded 85th Street Productions.