I was a bouncer at a notorious nightclub: these are the secrets of the job, including the only way to answer the question: “How much did you drink tonight?”

This sounds like some bullshit you’d see in a Kung Fu movie, but I promise you it’s true.

I can tell just by looking into someone’s eyes whether they’re going to be a problem or not.

Romance novels would have you believe that the eyes are the window to the soul – I’m not really sure, but I can tell you that they are a window to whether a heavily tattooed zip code gangster will hit you in the jaw or not. .

He’s not some pseudo-philosophical badass. This is basic psychology.

Direct eye contact, especially in the face of hostility, is a dominant trait.

Avoiding eye contact, even for a fraction of a second, is a submissive attitude.

This is why boxing and MMA fights have a staredown after weigh-ins.

So let me give you an example from the time I risked my life opening the doors to one of Australia’s most dangerous nightclubs (number 2 on NSW Liquor and Gaming’s list of violent venues, to be exact).

If you say something to someone that they’re not going to like, like, “Sorry buddy, I can’t let you in because we’re at capacity,” and they look away for a moment, I know instantly that I can resolve the situation without violence.

Even if they then become aggressive and start shouting at me.

On the contrary, if the person does not look away and looks directly at me, there is a reasonable chance that I will have to strangle them.

Now it’s important to note a few things.

Just because someone looks away doesn’t mean they aren’t dangerous – or that they aren’t a talented martial artist who could easily kick my ass.

Fully repaired motorcycles and career criminals were regulars where I worked, and when I had to line them up, the nastiest and most notorious goons often looked the other way.

It wasn’t because they were submissive or afraid of me. This is because their intention was not to beat up a simple bouncer in front of cameras and witnesses.

They could stab me in the parking lot after work or make a drive-by visit to my house – but in the moment, I knew they weren’t ready to do that.

Likewise, just because someone looks back at you doesn’t mean they’re a good street fighter.

In my experience, an attractive 5’7″ woman in high heels, who is not used to people saying “no” to her, is unlikely to break eye contact. And she is usually ready for conflict.

Although she is unlikely to become physically aggressive, she will compensate for this by shouting obnoxious and emasculating insults at you.

The only other caveat I would add is that when someone loses their mind from drugs, all bets are off. You just can’t predict what they’re going to do.

This may seem unfair, but there’s a very good reason why thugs, like me, guard the city’s hottest spots so strictly.

This stems from a common expression in the murky world of security: “Stop it at the door.”

Basically, this means that if one person is likely to cause trouble, it is far better for the conflict to take place outside the venue rather than on the dance floor, where other patrons may find themselves caught in the crossfire. .

There is nothing more annoying than when someone refuses to leave a crowded room and becomes aggressive.

A typical meeting would go like this.

A deadbeat thug would hit another customer, sexually assault our bar staff, or literally urinate in the corner of the room (I’ve seen this).

“Sir, I’m afraid you have to leave,” I said.

They were like, “What the fuck are you going to do about it?” »

To be honest, it’s a very good question: what am What am I going to do about this? There are few options.

You can stand there and engage in a never-ending argument hoping they will change their mind – which never works and will inevitably lead to physical conflict.

Or you can try to catch the gentleman in question and bring him out in front of hundreds of spectators.

Since there are too many obstacles between you and the door, this is not a good plan.

He has too many opportunities to break free and throw punches, which can lead to an all-out brawl in the middle of the dance floor, if or when his friends intervene.

It’s always best to avoid hitting someone, of course for legal reasons, but mostly because it’s too easy to break your hands on your head.

I found the best option when a belligerent zip code gangster challenged me inside a location, was to simply strangle them until they passed out where they were and transport their bodies motionless outside with the help of a Samoan colleague.

I would look them in the eye, tell them to leave, and if they looked away, I knew there was an option for the problem to be resolved without violence, and then I would gradually take them out.

But if they came back, I would give them reasonable warning. And if that was ignored, I would cut off blood flow to their brains by compressing their carotid arteries – either with my arms or their own collar.

It takes about five seconds for someone to pass out. It’s quick and painless – for me anyway.

If at any point in this process you considered calling the police, you will never succeed as a bouncer.

The cops don’t have the time or the manpower to get involved. Plus, it would look bad for the place if officers showed up every night and it would significantly damage your reputation as a tough guy if you had to call for help.

Reputation is everything for bouncers, because if you show any weakness, people will take advantage of it – or even try to dominate you.

A tipsy 21-year-old girl could get up and dance on a table for a laugh. Harmless fun, right, what’s the big deal?

Well, if something like that goes unchecked, in about 10 minutes everyone will be dancing on the tables and someone will break their neck – which you and the venue are responsible for.

It is therefore essential that you set the tone.

In cases where clients threw punches before I could choke them, one of the best ways I found to discourage others from doing the same was to headbutt.

Of course, there are safer and more practical options for defending yourself, but nothing really sends the message that you’re a relentless psychopath than simply headbutting someone in their orbital bone.

But I wouldn’t overdo it. Just for those rare occasions when an unusually high number of criminals, bikers, and assassins frequent your establishment.

So how to use all of this to your advantage on a night when you’ve probably had too much to drink, but still want to go somewhere else at the end of the night.

The first test usually occurs at the door when the bouncer asks, “How much did you drink tonight?” »

Many people fail.

Unless you’re absolutely plastered, the bouncer doesn’t really care how much you actually drank. He or she is simply assessing your reaction to see if you are aggressive, argumentative, or unreasonable.

Instead of telling an obvious lie, just do this.

Look away for a brief second to show that you’re not going to be a problem, then say something like, “Oh, we had a few drinks, but nothing serious.” How was your night?

Asking a question is helpful because aggressive people don’t make polite small talk.

And even though 99.9% of gatekeepers have no conscious understanding of micro-expressions or psychology (eye contact is evolutionary), it will automatically work on a subconscious level.

I mean…unless the bouncer is a total asshole.

Levi Parsons now works for Daily Mail Australia as night editor