I was a high functioning alcoholic mother on a mission to cheat – I wouldn’t have known if the kids had fallen down the stairs

RACHAEL Shephard, 43, from Hampshire, admits she had a drinking problem.

Here, she reveals how she tried to keep everything together for her two children, while secretly falling apart – and how she eventually got sober.

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It was 5 p.m. and I was partying.

But not the kind of partying I did in my twenties, going to the bar and knocking back shots.

Once again, I was leaning against the kitchen counter in my pajamas, a bottle of pinot grigio in hand.

I would have become a master of the “mom party”.

How many times had I put my children to bed and then drank more than a bottle of wine?

Most nights – before you stop drinking.

Did I hear one of them fall down the stairs? I doubt it.

At the time, I didn’t even think that it wasn’t a safe way to parent.

For me, alcohol was the antidote to parenting stress.

Before I decided to give up alcohol in November 2021, I had experienced a tumultuous few years.

My mother died suddenly and while dealing with my grief, I supported my father who had been with her for 42 years.

I was in the middle of a house extension and had to move in with my in-laws.

Then, shortly after, my husband and I divorced.

I was working full time in law enforcement, running a small business selling care packages, raising two young boys on my own, ages seven and four, and suffering from a debilitating bowel disease, ulcerative colitis.

It was a difficult time, and I soothed myself with one or two bottles of wine a night, with one day off a week to prove to myself that I wasn’t addicted.

After having the children, I had slowed down my drinking, having been a devoted drunken party animal for two decades.

But as the baby years passed and school classes began, I got back on track.

I thought I was breaking life and I would pride myself about being a “weekend warrior,” when I was juggling my kids’ activities, cooking gourmet meals, running three miles a day, and hanging out with my friends.

But in truth, I felt like I was wading through molasses.

I would put my kids to bed early so I could drink myself into a coma

Rachael

I was the epitome of a “high-functioning alcoholic” – I wasn’t ruining life, I was crashing through it, still doing things.

I thought I was a great mother, but I’m ashamed of what I became: a mother who put her children to bed early so she could drink herself into a nighttime coma.

When I drank wine, my goal was to get it wrong.

I often made a fool of myself by saying inappropriate things.

I once got beaten up at a one-year-old’s birthday party, and after a very public argument, I called my husband the C-word in front of everyone.

Classy, ​​right? I’ve lost count of the times I’ve loudly discussed my sex life within earshot of people who really didn’t need to hear about it.

I was terribly anxious before I started drinking each night, fearing what I would say or do after a few.

To turn off this feeling, I would get drunk as quickly as possible, caring much less about being crazy when I was plastered.

I was irritable all the time and quick to get angry. I knew I had to stop, but I was afraid of becoming boring.

I told myself that I was like everyone else and “not so bad”.

Then, after a boozy cruise vacation with friends in October 2021, I developed the shakes and couldn’t manage more than a few days of abstinence at a time.

One day I woke up after drinking after five days of abstinence.

I read a journal entry that I had no memory of writing the day before.

He said: “It doesn’t feel good. »

If the hangover was terrible and I didn’t even have fun when I was drinking, it was useless. The resolve to quit ultimately remained.

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It wasn’t easy, but I made the conscious decision to divert my attention to my children when the wine craving surfaced at 5 p.m.: puzzles, board games, trips to the park, crafts, baking, anything that could serve as a distraction.

Quitting social media also helped me combat the constant influx of cortisol, the stress hormone, into my brain.

Alcohol provides temporary pleasure, but there is always a trade-off.

Every positive feeling we get from it is really just a debt we take on.

I have experienced countless benefits since I stopped drinking alcohol.

A bottle of wine contains around 600 calories, so I save 1,200 calories per day!

The “anxiety” I had for 25 years has virtually disappeared and my depression has lessened.

Random pains in my stomach – gone.

Bank balance – much healthier.

And I am now a present mother.

Sobriety has allowed me to focus on what I want and need in my life.

Historically, my relationship with men has been the same as my relationship with alcohol – dependent.

After my divorce, I got into a relationship that wasn’t right for me, then spent six months alone, which I needed.

Now I’m with a man I first dated almost 20 years ago, and it feels right.

Finding out what brings me joy and spending time with friends and family is crucial to my mental health and happiness.

This year will be my third sober Christmas.

Unlike the previous ones, I won’t have a hangover, I won’t burn dinner, and I won’t start an argument.

Christmas is now a time to get together with family and friends and hold on to memories that I would have otherwise forgotten.

If you’re thinking about quitting alcohol, be aware that it takes time to recover, and for the first month you’ll be extremely lacking in dopamine (happy hormones), so you’ll feel flat and bored.

I highly recommend committing to staying sober for 90 days because you will feel like a whole new human at the end!

What do you have to lose?

• Sober Mama: Breaking Free from the Bottle, One Woman’s Journey to Sobriety and Practical Tips for Quitting Smoking by Rachael Shephard (£10.99, Life) is out now.

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