The psychologist’s guide to spending a Christmas with family

Tis the season for family arguments…whether you’re arguing with your siblings, arguing with the in-laws, or just feel like everyone is getting on your nerves. With so much anticipation surrounding the big day, it’s inevitable that Christmas can be stressful for some, especially for loved ones who only see each other once a year. “There’s a lot of pressure – both implicit, from unrealistic expectations, and explicit, from all those idealized Christmas TV adverts – to have a ‘perfect’ Christmas,” says behavioral psychologist Jo Hemmings ( www.johemmings.co.uk). “There may be long-standing unresolved family issues, already difficult dynamics about who to invite, or differences in political or lifestyle choices. “Add to that general exhaustion in the run-up to Christmas, financial pressures, cabin fever and overeating and drinking – and you have the perfect storm for conflict and discord. » So, how can you spend Christmas without falling out with your family? Here’s what the experts say.

“You should always pick your battles, but even more so at Christmas,” says Dr Ellen O’Gorman, clinical psychologist at Soke, Chelsea. It’s not always easy to avoid conflict, but if you can, avoid minor arguments rather than delving into the subject. This way, if something really annoys you, you can make yourself heard. If you habitually argue with your cousins ​​over the TV remote, for example, rise above it and let them decide what to watch. Or if your mother hates it when you interfere in her cooking, leave it to her and do something else useful instead. “Be prepared for what triggers you in these situations, because other people’s behaviors are unlikely to change this Christmas,” Dr. O adds. “Once we know what might trigger us, we can think about in advance how we might react and behave.”

Coming home for Christmas, especially if little has changed in your family’s living arrangements, can be tempting to revert to old roles and dwell on the disagreements you left behind. Dr. O’Gorman suggests a technique called “radical acceptance,” whereby you accept the reality of the situation, understanding what you can and cannot control, to navigate family dynamics. “Practice increased boundaries,” she adds. “Take time and space for yourself. “Keep in mind that you have all grown, changed and now have your own life – even if you are in familiar surroundings. Try to focus on the present and not the past. And remember how rare it is to bring everyone together, making vacations a special time, even if old habits (especially boring ones) die hard.

We’ve all been there: the dreaded catch-up with that (elderly) parent who tends to say scandalous or downright sectarian things. But should you denounce them – or grit your teeth and survive another year? Jo Hemmings suggests making controversial topics – such as politics or sensitive family issues – off-limits at Christmas. “Make it clear that this is not to be discussed. Then, if they bring it up, you have every right to end the conversation gently,” she adds. You can also try asking questions. “Trying to understand where these perspectives are coming from can open up useful conversations, avoiding getting defensive or angry,” says Dr. O’Gorman. Above all, she adds: “Remember, it is not your role to educate a family member on controversial and offensive topics. » Find your excuses – this sauce probably needs stirring – and leave.

Board games are a Christmas staple in most homes, even if you don’t play them at other times of the year. But while some enjoy getting into the competitive spirit, others are not as keen. If your family has a history of games that escalate into actual arguments, Dr. O’Gorman says it may not be a good idea. “Competition is good, but if it results in arguments or people get personal in their comments, maybe it should be avoided,” she says. If you still want to play – and after all, who can say no to party charades? – then agree on a set of ground rules in advance and stop if things start to go wrong. Jo Hemmings adds: “Recognize what is likely to work for your family, make it fun and age-appropriate, and keep it relatively short in terms of play time.”

There’s no shortage of tasks to accomplish during the holiday season, so spread them out. Not only will this keep the host from feeling overwhelmed, but staying busy can diffuse tension and give everyone a purpose. “Delegate tasks like prep, washing dishes, refilling drinks or tidying up,” says Jo. “If people feel more involved, they are less likely to argue.” Also consider people’s energy levels. Older parents may be less willing to walk the dog, but perfectly happy peeling sprouts in front of the TV, while the younger generation probably needs to burn off some energy before lunch.

Alternating in-law Christmases means someone steps out of their comfort zone every year – which is difficult if you don’t get along with your partner’s family. It’s important to talk about this in advance, says Dr. O’Gorman. “Recognize what triggers you and try to prepare for it with your other half. Have an open, loving conversation about your in-laws so you feel supported and like you’re a team when facing difficult situations. ” “Prioritize your other half and your relationship,” adds Dr O’Gorman. “Remember how much they mean to your partner, and vice versa.” And if it all gets too difficult, nothing is worth a subtle eye roll – or a laugh about it together.

“For some, Christmas can trigger all sorts of unexpected emotions, especially for those who have lost their partner or are feeling low themselves,” says Jo Hemmings. Don’t expect everyone to feel happy or festive all the time, and don’t worry if they don’t either. Putting on a favorite festive film or taking the excited kids out for the afternoon can give everyone a bit of free time during an otherwise busy few days. “Let people share their emotions in a calm place and offer support if necessary,” adds Jo.

You may have plans to play board games after lunch or watch the King’s speech together, but don’t worry if your loved ones aren’t in the mood. “Schedules tend to go wrong at Christmas, so try to be relaxed and gauge the mood,” says Jo. “If some people don’t want to participate in your projects, let it be and don’t worry.” If you feel your blood pressure rising, try to cool down – by leaving the room or going outside to get some fresh air. “You can also try the 4-4-8 breathing technique,” ​​recommends Jo. “Inhale for four counts, hold for four, and exhale for eight. No one needs to know what you’re doing, but it reduces our stress hormone, cortisol, pretty quickly.