Divorce Coach Reveals 5 Sad But True Things To Expect When Your Marriage Ends

The end of a marriage is such a fragile and scary time. And I admit that at first you just go around in circles, attached to immense fear and anxiety looking for answers to something you don’t know how to understand.

Newsflash: You’re going to panic for a while before you’re ready to see the bigger picture. This special moment is therefore the beginning of your rite of passage.

Here are the sad but true things you can expect when your marriage ends:

1. You will feel responsible… or victim

You are the fish in the fishbowl, unaware of what your life has been like for a long time. Tolerance and your rose-colored glasses give you the impression that it’s all you, that you are the culprit, that you are responsible for the failure… or on the contrary, that you are 100% the victim. But the truth is, as couples therapist Amelia Perri says, the fault never lies with just one person.

What is not understood is how fragmented the agreement has been for a long time. Having a spouse in your bed, a mortgage, vacations or even family celebrations does not equate to partnership, loyalty or respect.

This is when you begin to understand the person who was your spouse and take stock of your life. It is difficult to reconcile this new understanding while panicking and showing compassion.

2. You’ll want to blame someone

Timur Weber / Pexels

In the panic, it’s as if your reality, your marriage – the thing you believed in and did every day – never really existed. You feel like you’re living a fantasy in a house of cards. You feel cheated, used, incredibly naive, stupid, angry, tired and afraid to your core.

You struggle with reality checks because you’ll return to the details of your marriage over and over again – every nuance, every conversation, every moment, every voicemail, every email, everything – until you find the lies, catalog the lack of respect, the lack of love, all to stay steady on your feet. You are looking for blame.

A common tendency after a divorce is to blame your former partner. A 2013 study published in Self and Identity found that this tendency often stems from the need to make sense of a painful experience, manage negative emotions like anger and hurt, and protect one’s self-esteem by attributing blame. to the other person rather than taking responsibility for them. the breakdown of the relationship. This is especially common when the divorce is perceived as unfair or sudden.

3. You will feel pain

You don’t want to feel the pain, anger, loss, panic and tears, but you will. You really can’t stand being this wobbly and you’re not able to face the future, let alone be positive and committed to optimism or feeling joy.

Knowing this, you will feel weak, unable to get up in the morning, or even on the contrary, determined to keep up with professional and family tasks. You could hesitate between the two while adding a few appointments. Remember that you are not alone.

4. You will feel watched

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Your armor will become thick and you will stop trusting everyone. You’ll look for spies, start using cash, and worry that your email will be hacked, that there’s a detective behind you, or that your friends won’t be your friends anymore.

You’ll assume that every professional, from your lawyer to your doctor to your children’s teachers, knew something that you didn’t. You will assume that everyone is lying (including me).

This is the worst aspect of this separation. It’s a very lonely place because in your pain and shame you withdraw, hiding from others who you think are judging, judging, judging. Here too, you are simply creating a lie to piece together the future. But all that happens is your marriage is over.

Know that you can trust again, but the first person you need to learn to trust again is yourself. Being monitored after divorce is a typical response in which a person becomes emotionally guarded and hesitant to open up to new relationships due to the pain and betrayal experienced in their previous marriage. According to a 2017 study, it stems from distrust, fear of vulnerability, and the desire to protect against further emotional harm.

“At the end of the day, the only thing you have control over is you,” Mazur says in a TikTok video. “You have to have confidence in yourself so that no matter what anyone else does, you know everything will be okay.”

5. You will recover

Find safe ground. There’s nothing wrong with you. You may have a lot of work to do. You may need to become a parent, learn some skills, change some habits, and get some help, but your journey through life is just beginning.

In fear and resentment, this is incredibly difficult to hear, but try to believe that you are certainly not the only one whose life has been a mirage. This is why I am optimistic and bold and I defend your courage. It’s simply a period of time and you need it.

When you are discouraged, you must take the necessary steps to make the torment and panic disappear. By doing so, the pain goes away and you can start to improve and grow.

Grief, fear and awareness must come first. That’s part of what’s happening. We must see the truth.

Understanding as much of the lies you are living as possible gives you a purpose for getting up in the morning. It also means using the fuel of anger and self-righteousness to push yourself to accept, change, and evolve into who you are meant to be.

Laura Bonarrigois a divorce coach who helps clients build trust, instill confidence and calm, and instill long-term vision and goals during separation.