The Source of Overwhelm – Shasta Scout

Editor’s note: This opinion piece is part of our Inside Public Service series that aims to provide a window into how government works, on a human level. Learn more about the series here.

Overwhelm. There are too many things to do and not enough time to do it. We all juggle work, home, church, child care, school and kids’ extracurricular activities, parents, bad bosses, and let’s not even talk about politics. But often the heart of overcoming comes not from all the things we juggle, but from something deeper.

When local community leader Victoria Silverman (not her real name) greeted me, it was obvious something was wrong. Her shoulders drooped as if she were carrying a heavy load. His brown eyes had lost their usual bright, lively shine.

“It’s all a little out of control,” she began. “My husband entrusts all the decisions to me, so I am responsible for everything at home. And I’m responsible for everything at work because I’m the manager there. My company has a new metric system that we use to measure success and the bar is high. My team does not take the measurements. On top of that, last year I was one of six offices out of over a hundred that met our metric goals. So there’s this level of expectation that I’ll be able to do this again. I don’t even know where to start.

“Would you like to start with a hug?” I asked.

Victoria’s stress level was through the roof. When our brains have high levels of cortisol and adrenaline for days or weeks on end, it’s difficult to think clearly, let alone be creative and open to new ideas. So the first step was to get Victoria out of fight or flight mode.

For the next fifteen minutes we took a brain break. She grew up in a rural corner of Modoc County and loves walking in nature. I suggested we go for a walk.

Brain breaks are called by many different names – painkillers, mindfulness practices, breathing, coping skills, etc. – but have three common characteristics. They bring you into the present moment and away from the past and future where intrusive negative thoughts tend to dwell. They interrupt your body’s fight-or-flight stress response, reducing cortisol and adrenaline levels. Finally, you become more aware of what is happening in your mind and body, a necessary step in activating our thinking brain, whether for learning or for looking at things from a wiser, less emotional and without judgment.

During our walk, Victoria and I breathed slowly and deeply. We engaged all five of our senses: watching birds fly through the trees, listening to the sound of a nearby stream, breathing in the smell of dirt and grass, and feeling our clothes rustle against our arms. Victoria talked about the things she likes to do to relax.

As we walked, we literally got the stress out of our systems. His shoulders relaxed. His voice stabilized. She smiles.

Eventually, the conversation turned back to her overwhelm when she told me, “This wave of overwhelm has actually only been going on for two or three weeks. It’s been really bad. I almost feel out of control. In general, I have always been in the position of being responsible for everything and everyone. I hold on to too many things – other people’s things.

Interesting. I asked Victoria to go on a scavenger hunt, choosing objects from nature to represent whatever she’s holding on to. What weighs him down and takes up his time and energy?

She picked up a large stone which symbolized work.

Four twigs represented his four children.

She pointed to a massive, deep-rooted stump on the side of the road and considered it representative of the nonprofit she helps lead.

A three-foot-long branch indicated financial debt.

She found small sticks to represent the employees she manages and placed them next to the large rock.

Her husband’s belongings were a long, skinny stick.

And then came the sheets – parent expectations, company metrics, customer expectations, team expectations, family obligations, and community expectations. Soon there was a large pile of brown, dried oak leaves.

We took a step back to examine the range of objects. I asked, “If you could move or change anything here in this mess, what would you most like to change?” »

The response was immediate. “Having lower expectations, for myself and for everyone. Stop having to live up to my personality in every facet of life. Tears flowed behind her glasses. “I’m just trying to be what they all want me to be, and I can’t keep doing this.”

For many of us, trying to meet too many impossible and conflicting expectations is the ultimate source of our overwhelm. No one can be both the ideal worker AND the ideal parent AND the ideal spouse AND the ideal daughter/son AND the ideal community member.

Even trying to be just one of these ideals is difficult. In his book Overwhelmed: How to Work, Play, and Love When No One Has TimeBrigid Schulte introduces the idea of ​​the ideal worker who is “expected to be on call and ready to work all day, every day, all the time.” And because the ideal worker is just that, a demanding and voracious ideal, which no one can ever live up to. No matter how much you do, how hard you work, how much you sacrifice, how dedicated you are, you will never be able to achieve this ideal.

After talking about how this played out in her life, I asked Victoria, “I’m not saying you have to do this, but what would happen if you could say out loud to the people who hold you to these ideals: “These expectations are not true.” I work for myself. What would happen?

“It would alleviate a lot of the burden I feel.” I don’t want to do this anymore. I guess I’ll have to let go of the part of me that keeps trying harder, putting other people’s expectations ahead of my needs, and letting them down.

I responded, “What I’m hearing is that you want to be valued for exactly who you are, for how you are, not for how you live up to expectations. »

“Exactly.”

After some more discussion, this is what Victoria took away: the realization that a big pile of brown, dried-up, impossible expectations were causing her upset. She thought that if she could start saying, “This isn’t working for me anymore,” that might allow her to be valued for exactly who she is, as she is in this moment.

I caught up with Victoria several months later. She told me that she ended up having face-to-face conversations to say out loud how she felt and, as a result, was able to let go of a lot of expectations.

She now has a new measure for work and home. “I decided that my life’s purpose was to be known for being myself.”

You can find the rest of the Inside Public Service series here.