I am a 34 year old man and I have no “real” friends. How did this happen?

For the first time, New Year’s Eve is coming and I have no plans. I feel so lost. If I, at 20, had been able to see myself at 34, I wouldn’t have believed it. I had so many friends at university (from rugby, socials and my classes) and in my early 20s I was part of a large group made up of various people I had met through of work. We all lived close to each other and went out several times a week. Over the years, people disappeared and left. I’ve been in a few long term relationships and really got into them.

After ending a relationship a few years ago – something I still regret to this day – I had to randomly move into a shared apartment because a lot of my friends got married or started having kids. I go to work and go back to my room, and I use dating apps as a distraction so I can have plans at least some days of the week. I’m close to my siblings, but they live too far away to visit me during the holidays, and they have their own families and lives.

Now that New Year’s Eve is coming up, everyone has made plans and it’s just a reminder of all the connections I don’t have in my life.

I feel really alone. Is this a normal part of life? I can’t help but wonder where I went wrong to end up like this.

34 years old and alone

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It is very common for men to suddenly find themselves without a social life. Growing up, you had school friends, neighborhood friends, sports friends, and party friends. Then, at university, you will experience a higher level of freedom and the pleasure of studying together, playing sports, living, partying and traveling together. For many, this continues on the treadmill of young professional life, where it’s easy to make connections because everyone is in the same boat.

But then, often suddenly, committed relationships, parenthood, and friends moving away to pursue careers or be closer to extended family end the party.

I work with so many men who don’t feel like they have real friends: they may have female friends that they socialize with, but often feel like they can only share their ups and downs. their jokes. They’re missing those deep connections where you reveal your vulnerabilities and share your life journeys.

You seem like a very sociable person who had a good time. You also seem like a loving man who enjoys being in a relationship. I wonder, though, how well do you know each other, beyond long-term relationships and sociability?

I’m also wondering if you regret ending your relationship a few years ago because she was the right person for you, or if it’s because you don’t like being alone?

You seem very clear that you use dating apps to distract and fill the gaps in your week, and fill your life with connection fixes. It doesn’t sound like you were hoping to meet a partner this way, if at all. Is it because you still have feelings for your ex? Do you remember your daily life together, or do you romanticize the highs and forget the lows? This is worth considering: two years is a long time to regret a decision.

If you are sure you made a mistake, I recommend getting back in touch with your ex-girlfriend, just to let her know. This might help you find peace with the end of this relationship, rather than dwelling on the past. It’s difficult to live in the here and now and consider new romantic relationships if your heart is still living in 2022.

I understand how isolated and alone you might feel now that your social life has reduced. It feels like you’ve come full circle to a part of your youth where you shared an apartment, but this time your roommates aren’t looking for companionship and connection.

There is also an invitation into the space and time you have for yourself, for the first time in your life. You have the chance to get to know yourself, beyond your old friendship groups and relationships, and really examine who you could become, what you value, what you really need in your life. life, what you can give up – and how. you want to live beyond the party. You will learn who you are when no one else is there. As you pursue your passions, you’ll likely meet people with whom you connect and open yourself to deep friendships.

Feeling really alone as you shift gears in life – which it feels like – is a completely normal feeling. There are so many men your age in similar positions.

In my men’s groups, many people said they found dating new friends — or even knowing how to ask other men out — scarier than going on a date. The solution is to do the things you like to do and see who likes similar things. What do you like? Do you want to play rugby again, or discover new sports? Is there a topic you’d like to learn more about, a skill you’d like to learn, or a creative practice you’d like to develop?

A regular in-person course will also give you structure and contact with new people, which could be particularly rewarding right now. Are you involved in your community or helping others? It’s a meaningful way to connect and develop your sense of purpose and passion. I’m so glad you’re close to your siblings – you might decide you’d like to spend more time together. Avoid isolating yourself in your room and be available for life.

Remember that true friends can be rare. Robin Dunbar’s famous research on friendship suggests that five deep relationships is the optimal number for humans (although we can have up to 15 good friends and maintain 150 casual friendships). For many, our families and communities have kept things on the surface and none of us can be blamed for not knowing how to take that next step among friends who are there to socialize and form deep friendships, to belong, to grow and laugh together.

What male role models are there in your life? Do you have men in your life who have already gone through the transition from youth to established adulthood? You may find it helpful to learn from their experiences of self-knowledge.

There is a social pressure around New Year’s Eve, especially when you are young, to celebrate with friends. I remember thinking that this should be the “best night of the year.” One of the benefits of getting older is that I no longer feel – or care about – these social pressures.

But this year, I wonder if you could celebrate yourself. You could list all your moments of love and connection, fun and growth – those moments on the rugby field, at parties, at work, in love, overcoming challenges. As you remember and celebrate these past experiences, I encourage you to be open to the future, to who and what life might bring, to new experiences.

Please don’t think you made a mistake, this is the start of your next chapter. I wish you a fulfilling year 2025.

If you want to give it a try a free men’s group, they take place on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. To book a mini session or full consultation with Kenny, click here.