My biggest regret is ignoring my anxiety for 20 years

Kenny Logan, 52, is a retired rugby player who was a winger for the Scotland national team. Logan was born in Stirling and left school without passing his final exams before beginning his professional rugby career. In 2001, he married BBC presenter Gabby Logan.

Here, he reflects on the moments that changed his outlook on health, anxiety, marriage and parenting.

I had trouble reading at school. If a question was read to me by the teacher, I could answer it. At one point, I celebrated when my teacher read me a few questions and I got nine out of ten correct. But then she kicked me out of class. She was angry and said, “How can you party? And then she turned to the class and said, “Kenny thinks he can pass if I read them to him,” in a condescending tone.

I was about 14 at the time, and that’s when I decided I should just finish school and keep my head down. I was done with the next two years and then I could do something else. It was really difficult for me. I did my best but I couldn’t do anything. But it taught me to never give up.

I was 16 when I was diagnosed with dyslexia. It was just as I was leaving school. There were two teachers who had the most impact on my life: my physical education teacher, who thought I was good at sports, and then my history teacher, Mrs. Wilson, who helped me get a diagnosis. She is still alive. Actually, I saw her two weeks ago. She told everyone: Kenny East a smart guy. People just haven’t seen it yet. At the time, we didn’t talk about dyslexia, but she helped me get a diagnosis.

Up until then, I just thought I was stupid because that’s what I was told. I just wanted to get away from school. I wanted to start working and do something because I thought I wasn’t academically smart. I just thought it was something I had to deal with.

My father died when I was 20 and left me his farm. I didn’t sell it for another 20 years. When I ran the farm, I tried to pretend I knew what was going on, but it was difficult. I had to play a lot of mind games with people and try to get them to read stuff because of my dyslexia.

I had built up anxiety in my stomach since I was nine years old. In fact, I had it until I was 29. It was only then that I started talking about how I felt. It made a big difference. My biggest regret in life is not speaking quickly enough. I didn’t have the courage to do it. I was afraid of being vulnerable. I thought people would think I was stupid and therefore wouldn’t take me particularly seriously.

Gabby changed my perspective on parenting when she told me: you have plenty of time to be their companion. You must be the father. She said I had to be the one to make the rules and be consistent about it. It was good advice, because my relationship with them is incredible. As I grew up, I became a little more of their companion but sometimes I give my son advice and I’m shocked when he takes it. Did you really listen to me?

Gabby and I are currently suffering from empty nest syndrome. Our two children Lois and Reuben left home in September. It’s weird. I used to drive across the country every weekend for Lois to do her equestrian show jumping and Reuben for his rugby. I come home thinking I’m going to ask them what they want for dinner and then they’re just not there.

But it’s also really fun for me and Gabby because we’re going to do it again. It’s like going back to the beginning of our relationship. Obviously, the last thing you want to do is look at yourself and think, “God, I don’t love you.” » Fortunately, I don’t have that.

In two decades of marriage, the important thing is knowing how to communicate with each other. If you don’t feel well, you need to talk about it. We always say that we will never fold in an argument. Our other rule is to not take each other for granted. I gave Gabby flowers the other day. Don’t stop doing little things like that. The surprises are also huge. Come home earlier than expected, just to surprise them. Enjoy a little laugh. We’re laughing more at the moment. Maybe it’s because we’re a little more relaxed. However, I miss my little boy (who is huge) and my little girl.

While listening to Gabby’s podcast, I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. a few years ago. She was talking to Davina McCall about women’s dry parts. I asked Gabby if this happens to men. She told me that testosterone levels slowly decline after a certain age, so I went to get tested. They said my PSA level was a little high. Two weeks later, and suddenly I’m being monitored and told I have prostate cancer, which is the biggest killer of men. I had no symptoms. This is one of the cancers to look out for.

Gabby was great and my kids were great but I kept it to myself. I didn’t want everyone to ask me how I was doing. I went on Gabby’s podcast recently and talked about it and felt emotional. I’ve become a lot more emotional as I’ve gotten older. I think it’s pretty common.

Kenny Logan is backing You Are The Star – personalized children’s books aimed at inspiring young people to take up elite sport. you are thestarbooks.com