Kierkegaard, Freedom and the Psychology of Love

Imagine being Søren Kierkegaard, the Danish existentialist. The commandment “love your neighbor as yourself” did not faze him. It was a challenge – a deeply personal and moral imperative. For Kierkegaard, love and freedom are inseparable. “Freedom is the element of love,” he wrote to his fiancée, Regine Olsen. Love presupposes freedom: a freedom from hatred, ignorance, and anything that stands in the way of honest connection with others or with ourselves. His ideas, even in our modern world, remain relevant and enlightening.

This notion has profound psychological implications, especially today. As a psychologist—or anyone thinking about human behavior—consider how often our modern ideas about love, self-care, and relationships become entangled in societal expectations, status games, or images distorted self. Kierkegaard’s ideas can guide us toward a more authentic understanding of love and freedom.

Freedom and self-esteem in modern times

Kierkegaard believed that freedom requires courage and imagination: the courage to resist the societal norms that dominate and constrain us and the imagination to consider a different, more personal approach to life. He criticized the institutional church of 19th-century Denmark, arguing that true faith – and love – cannot be institutionalized. These are deeply individual acts.

Today, this criticism extends beyond religion. Social media and societal pressures often create ideals about how we should look, act, and succeed. These external expectations can distort the way we view ourselves. If self-love becomes narcissistic – rooted in how others perceive us rather than in a true connection with ourselves – we lose the freedom to truly love. In therapy, I have observed how difficult it can be for clients to dissociate their desires from societal conditioning. Are they striving to be thinner, richer, or more attractive for themselves, or because that’s what society expects?

Kierkegaard’s point is strikingly relevant here: if we cannot leave our self-image alone and are too concerned with how we appear to others, it becomes almost impossible to surrender ourselves to something greater, like love.

Love as equality

Love, Kierkegaard asserted, requires honesty. And honesty requires vulnerability. Anyone who has ever been in love knows its power to bring you down, make you act ridiculous, and expose you. However, if you are not free and consumed by the fear of losing face, status or prestige, you will find it difficult to give yourself entirely to another.

In Works of loveKierkegaard describes love as a duty and a transformative force. He speaks of love as ontological, something that exists, and as uplifting, something that heals and builds up what is broken. Psychologically, this echoes what many therapists see in their work: love’s ability to foster resilience, repair wounds, and create meaningful connections. This transformative power of love can inspire hope and resilience in our clients.

One of Kierkegaard’s boldest critiques was his attack on human tendencies to generalize and exclude. He warned against limiting “love thy neighbor” to “my people,” “my gender,” or “my faith.” For him, loving his neighbor meant recognizing the equality of all.

This idea has obvious psychological and social relevance. Many prejudices, whether racism, sexism or xenophobia, arise from fear of the unfamiliar and loss of assumed authority. Kierkegaard’s assertion that “to love your neighbor as yourself” means to love others as equals, even if not equally, challenges us to confront these prejudices.

I find this especially important when helping clients navigate their relationships. Kierkegaard’s view encourages a balance: while it is natural to love certain people more intensely (a partner, a child, a close friend), we can still strive to treat everyone with respect and equality fundamental. This understanding and empathy can significantly improve relationships with our customers.

From ego to empathy

The philosopher Iris Murdoch, influenced by Kierkegaard, spoke of the need to “disinterest,” to escape the grip of the ego. Many stressors in modern life, from anxiety to feelings of inadequacy, can be traced to ego-driven concerns: Am I good enough? Am I achieving enough? Am I loved enough? These questions often bind us to a limited and defensive way of being.

Kierkegaard’s wisdom offers a way out. Love, he asserted, frees us from self-centeredness. It shifts our focus from self-promotion to connection, from status-seeking to generosity.

Kierkegaard’s reflections remind us that love is more than an emotion or a romantic ideal. It is a practice, a discipline and a duty. For psychologists, his ideas challenge us to think about how we help clients cultivate freedom: the freedom from societal expectations and self-doubt, and the freedom to love without fear.

Kierkegaard’s call to “love your neighbor as yourself” seems radical in a world increasingly dominated by individualism and competition. But it’s also deeply healing. Although we all long to be loved, Kierkegaard knew the deepest truth: to truly love others, we must first be free.