TRACEY COX reveals eight things no one tells you about affairs (including how exhausting they are!)

We’re all quick to write off someone who cheated on their partner, but the truth about relationships is far more nuanced than the simplistic moral judgments we make.

Business is rarely simple or one-dimensional.

These are messy, emotional, and deeply human experiences that challenge our understanding of love, commitment, and forgiveness.

We all know about hot sex and hotels. Here are the things we don’t talk about.

They are exhausting

“You can never relax because you are constantly lying. The longer this goes on, the harder it is to keep your stories straight.

“You are pulled in different directions: you are constantly comparing and evaluating what to do.”

One man I spoke to told me that he ended up letting it slip to his wife that he had been having an affair, simply because he was so exhausted from it all that he just wanted it all to end. ends.

The feeling of never being able to relax your guard, of always having to be on your guard.

Looking into the faces of your loving spouse and children and knowing that you are about to betray them.

It’s not all fun, games and sneaking out to get over a leg: the emotional toll of an affair is enormous.

They speak as much of loneliness as of desire

This week, British sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox reveals eight hidden truths about romantic relationships (Stock image)

“My husband wouldn’t notice if I walked into the room bare and painted blue. I felt invisible and like a staff member, not a wife.

There is a common misconception that people cheat solely for physical gratification. Many affairs begin because of an emotional disconnect within the primary relationship.

If you feel invisible, unappreciated, or emotionally neglected, you are ready to have an affair. Ready to seek comfort in someone who offers the validation you crave.

This doesn’t excuse infidelity, but it should be a stark wake-up call for anyone in a relationship. Emotional intimacy is extremely important and if your partner is feeling lonely, an affair could be looming.

They rarely have a clear villain

Tracey (pictured) discusses what might happen following an affair, as well as the potential emotional fallout that’s rarely talked about.

“My best friend is having an affair and some of his friends killed him as soon as the affair came to light. I knew the real story: he hadn’t had sex with his wife in four years (his choice) and endured scathing, scathing reprimands on a daily basis. Who could blame him for looking elsewhere for kindness, sex and love?

Affairs are often described in black and white terms: the cheater is the bad guy and the betrayed partner is the victim. But relationships are complex and infidelity is rarely that simple.

Both partners usually contribute to the dynamic that led to the affair, even if one partner acted inappropriately based on that dynamic.

Understanding this doesn’t absolve blame, but it helps paint a fuller, more realistic picture of where it all went wrong.

It’s not just your partner who loves you less after an affair

“If I could have quickly seen the faces of my family when they found out I had been seeing another man for a year, I never would have done it. It’s brutal. I will never forgive myself and I’m sure that they won’t do it either.

Family members on both sides are sometimes just as devastated by the affairs as the person’s spouse. If this leads to divorce, will they be forced to take sides and never see their beloved in-laws or grandchildren again?

Losing your children’s trust, when you are supposed to be their “rock”, is exhausting; your friends will judge you too, and so will anyone who finds out. Cheating is polarizing, but sympathy is mostly on the side of the betrayed person.

You will also like yourself less – and that’s an understatement…

They don’t always end in disaster

“It’s ironic that my husband’s cheating cured my chronic jealousy problem. It was my worst case scenario – and yet I survived it. Not being able to trust him led him to seek that trust elsewhere.

Although many affairs lead to heartbreak and broken relationships, some couples find ways to rebuild trust and create stronger partnerships. For others, an affair may be the last-ditch effort to end a relationship that had already been failing and limping for years, putting everyone out of their misery. Sometimes (although more rare), the affair itself evolves into a meaningful, long-term relationship.

It’s not uncommon for surviving couples to say that an affair saved their marriage. For the unfaithful partner, this can be a wake-up call to examine their own unmet needs or personal struggles. For the betrayed partner, this can lead to greater clarity about their boundaries and what they want from life and relationships.

This is definitely not recommended as a way to resolve issues, but it can bring to light whatever you’ve both been sweeping under the rug.

The Guilt Can Be Overwhelming

“We really were the ultimate happy family and I tore the house down. For what? A little sex that faded after a month. How could I do this to everyone?

For the person who strays, the weight of guilt can be paralyzing. Contrary to popular belief, many people who cheat love their partner deeply and never intended to harm them.

Cognitive dissonance – knowing what you’re doing is wrong but doing it anyway – can lead to intense emotional distress, even before the affair is discovered. This guilt often lingers long after the affair ends, leading to mental health issues and problems in future relationships.

They’re hard to stop – and not for the reason you think

“For me, it was all about sex. My wife is no longer interested in it since we had children and although I love her, I have needs. I didn’t know that the person I had an affair with saw it as something serious. When I tried to stop it, she threatened to tell my wife. I don’t know how to get through this without her blowing up my family.

People often play it cool in affairs, accepting the “it’s just a bit of fun” chat, even when they have fallen deeply in love and would leave their own partner in a heartbeat to become the person. It’s only when they threaten to stop that their true feelings are revealed.

The fact is, you can’t control another human being or stop them from going “rogue” in the end.

They change everyone involved – discovered or not

Whether it’s the cheating partner, the betrayed partner, or the person they cheated with, affairs have a deep and lasting impact on everyone involved.

If discovered or confessed, the betrayed partner is often left with feelings of inadequacy, anger, and distrust that take years to heal.

For the unfaithful partner, this often triggers deep shame and regret. Even the third party may struggle with guilt, loss, or social judgment.

Even if you get through it, the “you and me against the world” pact is broken. It’s hard to look your partner straight in the eye and declare undying love for them, knowing that you cheated on them. Some people say they lose respect for their spouse because they didn’t notice what they were doing.

It’s not something you think about when you first walk into the hotel room with your legs in the air, but this error of judgment is profoundly shaping.

Visit traceycox.com for more details on Tracey’s blog, podcast and books. Visit lovehoney.co.uk for both of its Tracey Cox product ranges