Transform a battle into a playground

“Asking my children to get into the bath was like shouting into a void. Frustration. They demanded that I chase them. It made them run up the stairs. But then they would run around the rooms, ganging up on me freeing the other by tickling.” Me. They refused to undress and enter the bath. Why would they?

I decided to trap them both in a room and took off their clothes so they had to get into the bathtub. They would turn off the light to reduce my chances, and when I could begin to see them as my eyes adjusted, they would turn on the light to blind me. After 20-30 minutes they were in the bath.

Bedtime was difficult but easy in the sense that there was no fallout. The next day my daughter said, “Can we play this game of ‘dun-dun-dah’ again?” Bath time wasn’t so easy. Slowly, I used the game to get them to bed earlier, even though I really couldn’t be bothered. It’s good for them as well as for me; this mitigates any fallout we may have had. We laugh, we fall, we hurt, we gather together to check if we heard a big THUNK, and then we continue.”

Joe’s honest and heartfelt story might touch your heart. We’ve all been there, whether it’s negotiating screen time, struggling with homework, ending play dates, or dealing with bedtime struggles. These moments of frustration, impatience or even anxiety are not a failure on your part: they are a sign that your body has moved into a state designed to protect and defend itself. This is not intentional; it is reflexive, adaptive and rooted in primitive mechanisms based on survival.

In Joe’s example, as bath time approaches, his body begins to prepare for the expected battle. Without realizing it, his heart rate increases, his breathing becomes faster and his muscles tense as his body mobilizes resources for the “fight”. She experiences this cascade of physiological changes as frustration and impatience. His mind, recalling past arguments during bath time, reinforces these sensations, amplifying his emotions and his physiological feeling of fear. This cycle may be familiar to you too. However, recognizing that this is an adaptive bodily response and not an inadequacy on your part is the first step to changing the pattern.

Joe’s frustration is rooted in his body’s autonomous preparation for the “bath battle,” a reflexive response initially outside of his conscious control. Unknowingly, she transmits her unstable state through tensions in her tone, expressions, and movements, which in turn trigger physiological changes in her children. When she “screams into the void,” her anxiety borders on the threshold of overcoming and collapse. She loses energy quickly and doesn’t feel like she can do anything but scream and hope her children will follow orders. Sound familiar? Her children, however, reflexively withdraw, moving away from signals of her distress. Their nonverbal communication creates a subconscious feedback loop, in which Joe and his children react to each other’s physiological states.

Joe’s growing frustration, resistance, and growing emotional distance fuel a recurring cycle that turns the nighttime routine into a source of tension, conflict, and disconnection. Despite their deep love for each other, a defensive response pattern embedded in their nervous system takes over, overrides their intentions, and distorts the bond they wish to cultivate as a family.

Embrace the Game: Turn Battles into Connection

As Joe discovered, when your kids suddenly request a playful chase upstairs, something magical can happen. Instead of preparing for a battle, you all signal your commitment to something new: a playful game, not a physiological power struggle. The main thing is not to demand that your children settle down or jump straight into the bath. Instead, you meet them where they are, recognizing their physiological and emotional state. Change begins by allowing everyone to act with their bodily sensations rather than against them.

Like Joe, your first step toward play may come from frustration or a fight-or-flight response. But when you see your children smile, hear their tender laughter, and feel their delightful surprise, your own body begins to relax and indulge in curiosity and joy. That’s the magic of the game.

From Polyvagal’s perspective, this change creates a bridge of safety, trust and connection. Through interactive play, you adapt to your children, guiding them, following them and riding alongside them. Your family naturally exchanges bodily feelings through facial expressions, tone of voice and movements, promoting deeper emotional attunement.

The beauty of this kind of game is that it evolves innately. You all adapt to each other’s needs, sometimes creating boundaries for calm and safety and other times introducing unpredictability for excitement and energy. For example, when your kids aren’t ready to settle in at bath time, they can introduce their own “rule,” like turning the lights on and off, to keep the energy high and prompt you to get in sync with them.

In these moments, you instinctively adapt, rising to match them while remaining connected and accessible. By simultaneously listening to your own body’s signals and their biobehavioral signals, you understand that their nervous system is not yet ready to calm down. Instead of resisting, you join them, gently guiding their increased energy into alignment. This mutual back-and-forth helps them gradually move into a state of calm and cooperation, ready to take the bath without the usual struggle.

Why it matters: building resilience through play

Playing is not only fun, it is a powerful tool. When you experience moments of laughter, shock, and surprise together, you functionally guide your children through various physiological states and help them recover quickly from disruptions. Moments of disconnection, followed by repair, cultivate their autonomous capacity to manage stress, uncertainty and resilience. Through playful engagement, you create an atmosphere in which cooperation feels natural and co-regulation becomes the norm.

The Power of Consciousness: Starting with You

When you pay attention to your own bodily reactions and recognize how they influence your interactions with your children, you better understand how to lead your family through life’s challenges. Being a parent of a Polyvagal perspective starts with you. It’s about cultivating feelings of security and self-confidence so that you can extend those feelings to your children.

Meeting them with curiosity, compassion and play transforms daily struggles into moments of connection and joy. As a polyvagal parent, you see beyond behaviors and emotions to the underlying need for connection. Instead of fighting against it, you align with your physiological state, theirs too, to co-regulate your children, helping them feel safe, trusting of others, and emotionally agile. Co-regulatory experiences with you promote their ability to self-soothe and cope with challenges when you are not around.

And sometimes, even when you’re on the verge of feeling overwhelmed, you follow their lead and regain feelings of security and confidence. The paradox of play is that the same mobilized energy that prepares the body for conflict can quickly transform into playful interactions and spontaneous play that cultivates connection. The path to co-regulation is to accept, rather than resist, your bodily feelings of frustration, anxiety, and impatience.